Infidelity can trigger intense emotional and psychological reactions, leaving a lasting impact on the betrayed partner. Many people liken these reactions to symptoms of infidelity PTSD—and that comparison makes sense. The emotional aftermath of infidelity is more than just broken trust; it’s a profound shock to the system that can cause anxiety, flashbacks, and emotional turmoil. Let’s explore why this happens and what it looks like.
As a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma, I’ve worked with many people facing the aftermath of infidelity. It’s an experience that often feels like PTSD, and understanding how the brain reacts can help you begin to heal. You’re not alone in feeling this way. See my article on betrayal trauma here:
What is Betrayal Trauma? An Explanation for Both the Betrayed and the Betrayer
See my blog post comparing PTSD to Complex PTSD, which is comparable to symptoms of betrayal trauma:
Understanding the Impact of Complex PTSD from Childhood Trauma
Infidelity and Emotional Shock
Any kind of infidelity—whether it’s emotional or physical—hits hard. This shock isn’t just emotional; it messes with your brain, too. When trust is broken, your brain’s sense of safety and predictability is thrown off.
Research shows that infidelity affects not just your emotions but your brain as well. Betrayal can deeply alter how your brain processes safety and trust (Smith et al., 2023). So, the emotional pain isn’t just something you’re imagining; it’s a real reaction in your brain.
When trust is broken, the mind goes into overdrive, trying to make sense of everything. This can manifest as intrusive thoughts or vivid flashbacks, replaying the betrayal over and over.
The Role of Flashbacks and Triggers
Flashbacks are a common reaction after infidelity. They can happen at the most unexpected times, especially when things seem calm in the relationship. “Flashbacks” in infidelity might look different from imagining your own memories from the past, but imagining the image of your partner during the affair/betrayal.
Flashbacks are a typical symptom of trauma, which has been studied in-depth (Johnson, 2018). In the context of betrayal trauma, these memories can be triggered by things that seem harmless. For example, you might get a flashback after a nice date with your partner or while trying to rebuild intimacy. These moments can feel confusing: you’ve just reconnected, but your mind suddenly floods with memories of the betrayal.
This cycle can feel never-ending because your brain is now conditioned to expect pain and betrayal—even during peaceful moments.
Why the Brain Expects Anxiety
Once trust is shattered, your brain shifts into a constant state of alert, like it’s always on the lookout for danger. This survival instinct is meant to protect you from being hurt again. But this constant state of alertness can cause your brain to replay painful memories, making them feel just as traumatic as the original betrayal.
The reason your brain does this is because of how trauma works. When trust is broken, the brain enters survival mode to keep you safe (Bessel van der Kolk, 2014). This is why it can be so hard to shake feelings of anger or suspicion, even when things seem okay on the surface. It’s like your brain is stuck in the past, unable to let go of the hurt.
The Emotional Fallout
It’s completely natural to feel angry, resentful, or like you need answers after being betrayed. Even if you’re trying to repair the relationship, your emotions might feel out of sync with what you want. This is because the emotional part of your brain processes betrayal differently from the logical part.
Your logical brain might want to rebuild trust, but your emotional brain—the part that’s trying to protect you—is stuck in survival mode, unable to move past the pain. It’s like you’re torn between wanting to heal and feeling trapped by your emotions.
Moving Forward
Healing from betrayal trauma isn’t a straight path. The flashbacks, anxiety, and emotional highs and lows are all part of the journey. Here are some steps to consider as you navigate this difficult time:
- Seek Professional Support: Working with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma can help you process your emotions and break some of the patterns caused by the betrayal.
- Practice Self-Compassion: It’s important to understand that your reactions are valid, and healing takes time.
- Open Communication: If you’re trying to rebuild the relationship, being open and transparent about your feelings can help you feel more connected.
- Mindfulness Practices: Techniques like meditation or journaling can help you manage flashbacks and keep you grounded in the present moment.
Infidelity can cause emotional wounds that feel insurmountable, but with time, effort, and support, it’s possible to move toward healing—both individually and as a couple.
- Smith, J. A., Thompson, L. R., & Harris, M. K. (2023). The neurobiological impact of betrayal: A study of trauma and recovery. Journal of Trauma and Therapy, 15(3), 112-125. https://doi.org/10.1002/jtt.2023.015
- Johnson, E. M. (2018). Flashbacks and emotional triggers in betrayal trauma: Understanding the psychological process. Trauma Research Journal, 10(4), 202-216. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.trrj.2018.03.001
- van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking. find the book here
