Cheating Is Not About Love: What’s Really Going On?

“If you love someone, you would never cheat, right?”

This is something many of us believe. It makes sense to think that way. But here’s the hard truth: cheating isn’t always about not loving someone. Most of the time, it’s about fear, emotional pain, and unresolved issues.

Why Do People Cheat?

In my experience as a psychotherapist, I have observed that many cheat out of personal issues they have with themselves and not with the betrayed partner.

Cheating is not logical. It’s often a way for someone to deal with emotions they don’t know how to handle. People who cheat are usually trying to escape feelings like:

Failure: Feeling like they’re not good enough or can’t meet expectations.
Fear of being left: Worrying their partner might leave them.
Rejection or inadequacy: Struggling with a sense of not being “enough.”
Grief: of a person, or who they were, how they felt, etc

A lot of this comes from deeper trauma or past experiences that haven’t been dealt with. For example, I once worked with a client who struggled with feelings of inadequacy rooted in a childhood marked by constant criticism. These unresolved emotions led them to seek validation outside their relationship, which ultimately caused more pain and confusion.

How Attachment Issues Play a Role

Attachment styles—the way we connect with others—can explain why some people cheat. Many who cheat have an avoidant attachment style, which means they’re afraid of getting too close or being vulnerable. This fear leads them to:

Look for validation outside the relationship.
Keep emotional distance from their partner.
Have a “backup” plan in case they get hurt.

The foundation for this behavior often ties back to Bowlby’s attachment theory, which explains how early experiences with caregivers shape our ability to form secure relationships. By understanding these patterns, we can see how unresolved attachment issues play a role in unhealthy coping mechanisms like infidelity.

cheating is not about love — Bowlby’s attachment styles

See my article on how childhood wounds can impact our behaviours in adult relationships

See my article on Five Unexpected Indicators of Childhood Trauma: A Day in the Life

Ironically, cheating often makes their fears worse. Instead of feeling safer, they end up feeling more insecure and guilty.

Look for validation outside the relationship.
Keep emotional distance from their partner.
Have a “backup” plan in case they get hurt.

Ironically, cheating often makes their fears worse. Instead of feeling safer, they end up feeling more insecure and guilty.

For more on attachment in adult relationships, I recommend the book “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Cheating and Love Can Coexist (Yes, Really)

It might sound strange, but many people who cheat still love their partner. They care deeply but are also scared—scared of rejection, not being enough, or losing their partner. To protect themselves, they turn to someone else, thinking it will help. Instead, it causes the very problems they were trying to avoid.

Cheating Is a Way to Cope (But It’s Unhealthy)

Cheating is a bad way to deal with emotions. It doesn’t fix anything; it just creates more pain. However, there are healthier ways to cope with these feelings. For example, seeking therapy can help individuals explore their fears, build emotional resilience, and develop communication skills to address issues in their relationships. Techniques like mindfulness, journaling, or engaging in activities that foster self-worth can also provide more constructive outlets for emotional struggles.

This doesn’t excuse the behavior—cheating is always a choice—but it shows that the reasons behind it are often more about internal struggles than a lack of love. Therapy can offer a safe space to unpack these struggles and learn better ways to handle them.

Cheating is a bad way to deal with emotions. It doesn’t fix anything; it just creates more pain. This doesn’t excuse the behavior—cheating is always a choice—but it shows that the reasons behind it are often more about internal struggles than a lack of love.

See my article on rebuilding trust after betrayal

Let’s Talk About It

Cheating is complicated, and it’s not always what it seems. Understanding why it happens doesn’t mean excusing it, but it can help us have more open and honest conversations. In therapy, I often guide couples and individuals through these discussions, helping them explore underlying fears, emotions, and unmet needs in a safe and non-judgmental environment.

What do you think? Can someone cheat and still love their partner? Share your thoughts below.