Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. When it’s broken, it can feel as though the foundation of your life has crumbled. As someone who specializes in betrayal trauma and relational wounds, I’ve witnessed the profound impact of betrayal—not just in romantic partnerships but also in the context of our earliest relationships, which shape how we navigate trust as adults.

Through my work of helping psychotherapy clients heal after betrayal, I discovered that trust isn’t just something you rebuild with others—it’s also something you must rediscover within yourself.

The Breaking Point: The Impact of Betrayal

Betrayal takes many forms, from infidelity to broken promises to emotional neglect. Each instance is profoundly personal and shaped by the unique dynamics of the relationship. The most common thing I hear from my clients is that they feel as though their entire reality has been called into question. If one lie is discovered, what else is a lie?

See my article on betrayal trauma: What is Betrayal Trauma? An Explanation for Both the Betrayed and the Betrayer

See my article on how betrayal trauma can feel like PTSD: Understanding the Emotional Aftermath of Infidelity: Why It Feels Like PTSD

In my practice and in my personal life, I’ve seen betrayal trigger feelings of shame, self-doubt, and fear. These emotions often mirror unhealed wounds from earlier relationships, including those formed in childhood. Addressing these underlying patterns is a crucial part of the healing process.

Step 1: Time and Patience

Healing takes time—a truth we all know is true but that we hate to grasp. Oftentimes, the betrayed partner struggles with the urgency of wanting to “fix” things quickly, but it is important to honour the slow process of regaining stability.

Here’s what it looks like when we rush the healing process:

Jane hated the pain and anxiety she felt after uncovering her husband’s infidelity. Desperate to return to how things were before, she attended a few therapy sessions and started dating her husband again, going on romantic dinners. While none of Jane’s actions were inherently wrong, rushing through the process didn’t allow her the time she needed to fully process her emotions. Instead, she suppressed them. Suppressed emotions don’t disappear—they resurface in unexpected ways. In Jane’s case, she found herself losing patience with her children and colleagues, revealing the cost of skipping the deeper work needed for genuine, healthy healing.

Here’s what it looks like to take your time with healing:

After discovering her husband’s infidelity, Jane felt torn between her pain and her desire to feel better. Instead of rushing, she gave herself the space to process her experience. She spent time discussing her emotions with trusted friends and reflecting on them privately. Gradually, she worked on rebuilding trust with her husband, understanding that true healing and trust require time. Though her nervous system initially struggled to trust him again—even as he showed himself to be trustworthy—she honoured the pace her mind and body needed to regain stability. By taking the time to heal properly, Jane created a foundation for lasting recovery, both within herself and in her relationship.

See my article on how to support a partner with anxiety, which could help with the Time and Patience needed.

Step 2: Clear Communication and Self-Awareness

This step is pivotal. As the betrayed partner, a lot of time must be spent reflecting on your needs and boundaries—something I encourage clients to do when healing from cheating. Clarity about what the betrayed partner needs isn’t just for the cheating partner’s benefit; it’s a step toward reclaiming your voice.

Tip: Reflect on which needs of yours have been neglected or which boundaries of yours have been crossed in this relationship. Further, consider how you can communicate assert these boundaries, not just with your partner but with yourself.

One need you can assert is the need for time to heal and process. Often, the cheating partner will rush into healing, trying to resolve their guilt and anxiety around the betrayal.

Step 3: Consistency in Words and Actions

Rebuilding trust required alignment between words and actions—a principle I frequently highlight in my work with clients. Consistency creates safety, and safety is essential for rebuilding trust.

The difference between consistency and control:

In simple terms, consistency after betrayal is about showing up reliably and predictably to rebuild trust, while control is about trying to force outcomes or behaviors to feel safe.

Consistency means being honest, keeping promises, and showing through actions over time that you’re trustworthy. It’s rooted in respect and accountability.

Conversely, control often comes from fear and involves trying to manage or dictate someone else’s actions to avoid being hurt again. This can strain the relationship and block genuine healing.

Consistency builds trust; control creates tension.

Examples of consistency:

– Spending dinners together

– Communicating with each other

– Consistently being patient with each other

– Maintaining the commitment of therapy sessions

Consistency and reliability in relationships often stem from how trust or betrayal shaped us in childhood. These early experiences influence how we view others’ dependability and how secure we feel in forming connections as adults.

See this article on how childhood trauma impacts our adult relationships.

Step 4: Open Dialogue

Open dialogue means holding space for honest, sometimes painful conversations. Healing requires both parties to show up vulnerably and without defensiveness.

Put Down the Shield and Sword

In my work with couples in therapy, I often encourage them to “put down the shields and swords.” This means that when we are dysregulated—whether during a high-intensity discussion, a fight, or a similar conflict—we are often in “fight or flight” mode, focused on defending ourselves rather than truly hearing each other. Open dialogue requires stepping out of this defensive state. If you notice yourself feeling dysregulated, frustrated, or with your heart racing, take a moment to pause and put down your shield and sword. Discussions held in fight or flight mode are often unproductive and can even be harmful.

Jane and her husband engaged in meaningful dialogue, having honest discussions they had never had before and didn’t realize they needed. While the process was painful for Jane, with patience, she was able to express her feelings to her husband, and he created space for her to do so. In turn, he was also able to share his thoughts and emotions transparently in ways he hadn’t felt comfortable with before—through no fault of Jane’s.

Step 5: Understanding the Why

Understanding the root causes of betrayal is transformative for many couples. It’s not just about what happened but why. Both the betrayed partner and the cheating partner need to take responsibility for their unmet needs and how they contribute to the breakdown in the relationship.

Note: Unhealed childhood wounds and attachment styles can shape how we navigate trust and intimacy, making us more vulnerable to behaviours that lead to betrayal. These patterns often stem from unmet needs or fears carried into adult relationships.

Step 6: Patience and Consistency

Rebuilding trust is a daily practice. Successful couples show that consistent effort, combined with a willingness to notice and appreciate that effort, is what helps rebuild trust and strengthen their relationship.

After her trust was broken, Jane struggled with lingering doubt that she could trust that her husband would not repeat the betrayal. While this doubt lasted longer than her husband felt necessary, he understood that she continued to need reassurance, support, compassion, and, most of all, patience.

Steps Based on Michelle Mays’ book “The Betrayal Bind“

The Outcome: Growth or Separation

When trust is broken, one of two outcomes is inevitable: either the relationship grows stronger or it ends. For those who remain together, this can be an opportunity for growth, but that growth does not come easily. The tools used to rebuild trust don’t just repair relationships; they transform them.

Sometimes, separation after betrayal is the best choice. It gives both people space to heal, grow stronger, and determine what they truly need going forward.

Final Thoughts

Rebuilding trust after betrayal is one of the hardest challenges a relationship can face. It requires time, honesty, and mutual effort. But it’s also an opportunity to grow—not just as a couple but as individuals. Whether you’re navigating betrayal or supporting someone who is, remember that healing is a journey. Trust can be rebuilt, one intentional step at a time.