Supporting an anxious partner involves balancing compassionate care for them with self-care for yourself. I have been the anxious partner myself and have witnessed my spouse researching how to support me. I’ve also observed the distress he experiences when I am anxious and the impact it has on him. As a psychotherapist, many of my clients struggle with having an anxious partner and navigating how to support them. I often hear them 1) blame themselves, 2) feel discouraged, or 3) experience frustration despite expressing a great deal of love for their partner.
Anxiety can be difficult to understand, even if you’re in love with your anxiety sufferer. If your spouse lives with anxiety, they may do things or say things that, at times, confuse or frustrate you. But knowing how anxiety manifests and what to look for can empower you to better support your partner and grow your relationship.
Skip To the 14 Ways to Help Your Anxious Partner
Learn the Signs of Anxiety in Your Partner
Anxiety is more than just feeling stressed or worried from time to time. It’s a condition marked by unwanted and persistent worry and fear, which can take the form of different symptoms — both emotional and physical.
Emotional Signs
- Overthinking: Worried about things that will not happen or have happened
- Fear to be judged: Prevent situations that may lead to being judged or criticized at all cost.
- Irritability: With anxiety making them feel somewhat overwhelmed, they can also appear short-tempered at times.
Physical Symptoms
Anxiety is not only in the mind; it often affects the body as well. Look out for:
- Insomnia or restless sleep.
- Stomach distress or nausea.
- Tension headaches or muscle aches.
Other Signs
For instance, your partner may have had a panic attack behind the wheel. Afterward, they might avoid driving alone, and if the attacks persist, they could simply stop driving altogether. This sort of avoidance isn’t due to a person’s unwillingness — it’s their brain’s way of keeping itself safe from what it perceives to be dangerous.
Anxiety might manifest socially in other cases. Your partner may be aware of how he/she is perceived in public and may find it hard to mix with others. That could then impact their job performance or social ties over time, leading them to withdraw.
Even existential concerns — about health, purpose or world affairs — can become all-consuming. In this pandemic world, however, pandemic-related anxiety has come to be one of the top three clinical concerns for many — even without an official diagnosis.
Recognizing these signs can create a clearer picture of your partner’s experience and the reason they act the way they do.
See: Five Unexpected Indicators of Childhood Trauma: A Day in the Life
The Effect of Anxiety on Your Relationship
For many of us, living with anxiety means living with an ever-present sense of worry, greater self-doubt and fear. When your partner is anxious, these feelings can seep into your relationship in ways that may surprise you.
They May have Negative Thoughts or Concerns Quite Often
If there’s one thing your partner with anxiety does, it’s spend a LOT of time worrying — worrying about themselves, worrying about you, and worrying about your relationship. They might agonize over questions such as:
- “What if they don’t love me as much I love them?”
- “What if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and blow everything up?”
- “What if they’re unhappy with me but too afraid to tell me?”
These thoughts don’t have to do with their trust in you — they’re about their internal struggle with anxiety.
This propensity to see only the worst case can lead to resentment at times. They may act emotionally withdrawn, hypercritical or even clingy as they attempt to soothe these fears.
See how childhood trauma can impact adults and how therapy can help
Communication Can be a Problem
Anxiety may inhibit your partner from being clear about their needs. They may think twice about raising issues, fearful of conflict or rejection. Conversely, they may over-communicate about certain concerns, grabbing reassurance that all is well.
Could Affect Their Energy and Availability
When someone’s brain is perpetually on high alert, they may have less emotional energy for the rest of their life, including your relationship. You may find that they’re more tired, less present or having trouble focusing while you’re with them.
To read more on this visit the Anxiety Canada Website
Is It Anxiety or Is It Falling Out of Love?
It can sometimes be challenging to discern anxious behaviors from a partner’s changing feelings around the relationship. Anxiety can lead to worry, avoidance, and emotional withdrawal, but these behaviors are rooted not in lack of love, but in fear or stress. If your partner’s behavior changes suddenly, it may be anxiety causing them to pull away or hone in on what they perceive as problems in the relationship. On the other hand, falling out of love tends to have a more prolonged sense of emotional disengagement or lack of interest in the relationship. If anxiety has a role, knowing that can allow you to meet the situation with compassion and clarity.
How to Support Your Anxious Partner
When your partner struggles with anxiety, you may not know the best way to help. It takes understanding, patience, and continuous work to support them. Here are some concrete ways you can for them.
1. Learn About Your Partner’s Anxiety
Understanding anxiety teaches you what it is that your partner is going through. Read articles, listen to podcasts or talk to an expert to better understand the condition and how it impacts their daily life.
2. Discuss It With Your Partner
Discussing their anxiety openly can build trust. Ask how they feel, what makes them anxious and what you can do to help — with no judgment or pressure.
3. Always Come From Compassion and Empathy and Validate Their Pain
Those fears may never make sense to you, but that doesn’t make them any less real for your partner. Sometimes, just being present and calm is the best you can do.
4. Remind Yourself That You Can’t “Cure” Them
As much as you’d like to relieve their pain, it’s not something you can fix. Your job is to be there for them, not to fix the issue.
5. Respect Your Partner’s Boundaries
Some scenarios can just be inundating with anxiety. If your partner wants some distance or needs to miss an activity, respect their limits and don’t take it personally.
6. Don’t Attempt to Heal Your Partner’s Anxiety
Well-meaning suggestions to “just relax” can sound dismissive. Your role is to be a comforting presence and allow them to navigate their way through it, not take it on yourself.
7. Relaxing Strategies for Practice Gently
Suggest things like taking a walk, trying deep breathing or listening to soothing music. Let them figure out what is best in their own time.
8. Don’t Make Assumptions About Your Partner’s Anxiety
And don’t make assumptions about what’s causing them distress. Anxiety is a nuanced thing; sometimes there’s no reason for it. Ask instead of guessing.
9. Be Patient With Your Anxious Partner
Advancement may be gradual, and regress is customary. If things get tough, allow things to take their course and be understanding so your partner can feel safe.
10. Celebrate Every Victory
Even minor victories — managing a trigger or going to a social event — should be celebrated. Focusing on — or celebrating — progress can help your partner to want to keep going forward.
11. Hold From Over-reassuring
Reassurance may work for the short term, but it can turn into a crutch. Instead, teach them to build coping skills for confidence in the long run.
12. Encourage Them to Seek Therapy for Anxiety.
Therapy can also offer strategies for managing anxiety. Encourage your partner to get professional help, and, if they need further assistance support, offer to help them find resources.
13. Engage in Couple’s Therapy for Anxiety
Couples therapy can fortify your relationship by enhancing communication and allowing you to work through anxiety together.
14. Care for the Caregiver; Take Care of Yourself
It can be emotionally draining to support someone with anxiety. Make sure you’re doing what you need to take care of your own mental and physical health so that you can be there and not succumb to burnout for your partner.
Doing so helps to build a foundation in a relationship in which your partner feels supported as they try to learn new tools to cope with their anxiety.
Don’ts
To prevent intensifying anxiety and damaging your relationship, here’s what to avoid:
Tell Them They Are “Weak” for Being Anxious
Anxiety isn’t something they control, so don’t hold them responsible for it.
Dismiss Their Anxiety
Do not underestimate or dismiss their emotions — anxiety is genuine and legitimate.
Enable Those Maladaptive Anxious Behaviors by Coddling Them Too Much
While it’s important to be there for them, over-protecting can impede the growing process and coping.
Try to Be Their Therapist
You are not a therapist; you are a partner. And seek professional help for deeper issues.
Take Everything Personally
Their fear can lead to a severe overreaction, but it’s not about you.
Get Mad or Lose Your Cool Whenever Your Anxiety Hits
Remain calm and patient, as reacting out of frustration only adds more stress.
Try to “Fix” Your Partner
Anxiety can’t be “fixed.” Be supportive, not solution-based.
Suggest Medications For Their Anxiety (You Are Not a Psychiatrist)
Leave the prescribing of medications to the professionals.
These actions can help your partner feel more understood and validated.
How to Cope as Partner of Someone with Anxiety
With that groundwork to build on, let’s take a closer look at how to cope with an anxious partner. Below are some key strategies:
Set Boundaries
Although guidance into bearing support your partner, it’s equally necessary to have boundaries. This prevents you from burning out and helps both of you have a balanced dynamic together. Having clear boundaries around what’s appropriate and what’s not can help minimize unnecessary stress and frustration.
Go to Therapy Yourself
If it is too overwhelming to support an anxious partner, individual therapy may help you sort through your emotions and process the feelings that arise as a result of your partner’s anxious behavior. Therapy provides a new context in which you can explore feelings and fortify your own resilience as you navigate the relationship.
Turn to Your Support System, Self-Care Practices and Things That Make You Happy
It follows that caring for your own well-being will also be important. Lean on friends, family or support system when you feel overwhelmed. Carve out time for things you love like exercise or reading, so you return recharged and stress less. Taking care of yourself is so important to be able to be supportive of your partner and will help keep you grounded.
What is the 3–3–3 Rule for Anxiety? A Grounding Technique for Anxiety.
The 3-3-3 rule is a grounding technique that may help in managing anxiety in the moment. It requires the use of your senses to move attention away from yours and your partner’s anxious thoughts:
Name three things you see — This gets attention back to the current moment.
Listen and name three things you hear — This grounds you even more firmly in the here and now.
Move three body parts — This can be as simple as wiggling your fingers, tapping your foot or rotating your shoulders.
This simple exercise brings down the panic and calms the nervous system, redirecting from the big, horrible feelings.
More info on this technique here.
Hope for those with anxious partners
Anxiety doesn’t just play a role in relationship stress. Anxiety is also a chance to know and love your partner more intimately. The beliefs that underlie their anxiety are part of their personality. Support your partner and take care of your own mental health by educating yourself about anxiety or seeking input from a mental health professional, too. Then, your partnership can be bolstered and bring even more joy.
Therapy For Anxiety In Ottawa, Toronto, Ontario
Ready to find support for you and your partner through therapy for anxiety? We provide compassionate individual and couples therapy by skilled therapists that help with anxiety and improve your relationship. Our team is here to help you start your journey, whether you want couples therapy or individual therapy. Contact us to learn more about how therapy can help your journey.
