If you grew up with an alcoholic parent, you may still feel the effects today, whether or not you’ve ever put a name to it.
You might struggle with anxiety, people-pleasing, trust, or relationships that feel like you’re always walking on eggshells.
Maybe you’ve wondered: “Why do I feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions?” or “Why do I keep ending up in painful, one-sided relationships?”
For adult children of alcoholics, the silence it took to navigate childhood often follows them into adulthood. What was once unspoken becomes internalized—and it can take years to realize just how deeply it shaped your self-worth, your sense of safety, and your beliefs about love and belonging.
For example, your mother might have covered for your alcoholic father, or acknowledging your mother’s alcoholism might have resulted in conflict.
This is the hidden reality many grew up with: families where addiction ruled the home, but no one ever talked about it. In this post, we’ll explore what it means to grow up in that environment, how it impacts your adult life, and what healing can begin to look like.
Living With the Unspoken
In families affected by addiction and alcoholism, silence often becomes the coping strategy. Parents may deny the severity of the drinking or minimize its impact, either out of fear, shame, or because they’re repeating patterns from their own childhoods. This attempt to feel normal can negatively affect everyone involved.
Parents can try to hide what’s actually happening so that they can feel like a normal family.
As a child, you may have noticed things others didn’t:
- A parent passing out on the couch
- Explosive or hurtful outbursts while drinking
- Repetition, memory loss, or forgetfulness
- Moments where you feared something terrible might happen
- Checking on said parent to make sure they are still breathing.
The unpredictability creates an emotional climate of hypervigilance. Hypervigilance means always feeling on edge, constantly scanning for danger like something bad might happen. You never quite knew what version of your parent you’d get. And yet, no one said anything. There were no explanations. No apologies. No space for your confusion or fear.
You might have learned early on that it was safer not to talk about it. Safer to pretend everything was fine.
The Cost of Codependency
In households like these, roles are often assigned without anyone saying so. One child becomes the fixer, the helper, the one who smooths over conflict and keeps the peace, etc.
That role is called codependency. It’s a survival strategy, but one that teaches you your worth is tied to how well you manage other people’s emotions. Your worth relies on how well you can keep up with that role. It makes you subconsciously learn that your role is to be a codependent partner who turns a blind eye to unsafe behaviour. Many often find themselves in mentally, emotionally or abusive relationships in adulthood.
And while it might have helped you survive childhood, to play the codepency role, it can deeply impact adult relationships. Many adult children of alcoholics find themselves drawn to partners with similar patterns, trying to “earn” the love they never received.
Research indicates that adult children of parents with alcohol use disorder are at increased risk of experiencing adversities during both childhood and adulthood, including struggling with bad memories and harmful alcohol use themselves (Torvik et al., 2021). The first step in moving away from codependency is to be aware of it and make conscious decisions to move away from it.
Understanding the Legacy of Trauma
When a parent chooses alcohol, it can feel personal, as though you weren’t enough for them to stop. But addiction is complex. It’s often rooted in unresolved trauma, emotional pain, and a need to disconnect from reality.
You might have believed that they chose alcohol over you, but it’s not that simple. However, it is also valid for a child to come to that conclusion.
As a child, you couldn’t see the full picture. You simply absorbed the impact, and that impact may still live in you today. You may notice:
- Difficulty trusting others
- Fear of abandonment or rejection
- Taking responsibility for other people’s moods
- Chronic self-doubt or low self-worth
- A need to stay “in control” to feel safe
These are not personality flaws. They are responses to living in an environment where your needs were not consistently met. Think about it, if you had grown up somewhere where your needs were met, you might have a whole different set of beliefs about your self-worth.
You Are Not Alone
If this story resonates with you, please know this: you are not alone, and the effects you’re feeling are real. They make sense. Your nervous system learned to adapt to chaos, and those patterns don’t disappear just because you became an adult.
The good news? Healing is possible.
Awareness is the first step. From there, you can begin to unlearn old patterns, reclaim your voice, and set boundaries that protect your peace.
Therapy—especially with someone who understands trauma, family dynamics, and codependency—can be a powerful space to begin this work.
Breaking the Cycle
Perhaps most poignantly, many adult children of alcoholics eventually recognize that this story didn’t start with them.
“But I don’t really have to tell you, Mom… because you’ve already lived this with your own dad. So you get it.”
Generational trauma runs deep. But it is not your destiny.
By speaking the truth, by refusing to carry the silence forward, you are already breaking the cycle.
You didn’t choose the environment you grew up in. But now, as an adult, you can choose to heal.
Additional Resources
- “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson
- “It Will Never Happen to Me” by Dr. Claudia Black
- ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) World Service Organization
- Talk to a licensed therapist who specializes in family-of-origin work
About the Author
Stephanie Boucher is a Registered Psychotherapist specializing in betrayal trauma and childhood wounds and the owner of The Mindful Loft Betrayal Trauma and Relational Recovery Centre in Ontario. With over a decade of experience in the mental health field, she supports clients in navigating relational wounds and rebuilding their sense of self-worth.
References
Torvik, F. A., Rognmo, K., Ask, H., Røysamb, E., Tambs, K., & Reichborn-Kjennerud, T. (2021). Associations between parental alcohol problems in childhood and adversities during childhood and later adulthood: A cross-sectional study of 28,047 adults from the general population. BMC Public Health, 21(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-021-11002-0
Westman, J., Jayaram-Lindström, N., Kane, K., & Sundquist, K. (2022). Mortality in adult children of parents with alcohol use disorder: A nationwide register study. European Journal of Epidemiology, 37(8), 815–826. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10654-022-00883-4
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Understanding Childhood Trauma: How Therapy Can Jumpstart Your Healing Journey
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Understanding the Impact of Complex PTSD from Childhood Trauma
The Guilt of Being an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents
Understanding Memory Loss and Childhood Trauma: Why You Can’t Remember Your Early Years
