Bringing up couples therapy with your partner can feel like walking a tightrope. You want to open up about wanting support without triggering defensiveness, conflict, or fear. The truth is, it’s totally normal for one partner to feel ready before the other. And while therapy can be transformative, the conversation about starting it needs just as much care as the process itself.
At The Mindful Loft Counselling and Psychotherapy, we help many couples navigate relational struggles and therapy for couples. Here’s a simple guide to help you talk to your partner about starting couples therapy in a way that shows respect for both of your needs, while also opening up the possibility of couples therapy support.
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Pick the Right Time (Not During a Fight)
Timing is everything. Bringing up therapy during a heated argument will likely make things worse. Instead, wait until both of you are calm and in a good place—maybe after a nice meal or when you’re both feeling relaxed.
Try saying:
“There’s something I’ve been thinking about, and I’d love to talk about it when we’re both feeling good. Is now a good time?”
This way, it feels like a thoughtful conversation, not a criticism.
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Start With Love, Not Blame
Frame the conversation from a place of wanting to improve things—not because something is broken. You’re not trying to “fix” your partner; you’re looking to grow together through therapy for couples.
You could say:
“I really care about us. I’ve been thinking about how we can keep building a strong, healthy relationship. How would you feel about trying couples therapy together?”
Avoid language that makes it sound like your partner is the problem, like “You need therapy” or “We’d get along better if you just listened to me.”
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Explain Why You’re Suggesting Therapy
Tell your partner why couples therapy matters to you. Be honest about your feelings, whether you’re struggling to connect or want to avoid bigger issues down the road.
For example:
“Lately, I’ve been feeling like we’re not hearing each other in our arguments. I think couples counseling could help us work through that and feel more understood.”
At The Mindful Loft, we often hear from couples that just having a neutral third party in the room makes a huge difference—it helps take the pressure off and creates space for real understanding.
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Address Their Concerns and Normalize Them
It’s totally normal for your partner to have some hesitations. Maybe they’ve never been to therapy before or they’re nervous about being judged. Let them know their feelings are valid.
You can say:
“I know therapy for couples might seem intimidating or uncomfortable at first. But it’s not about someone being wrong—it’s about learning how to really support each other.”
You might also mention that therapy doesn’t mean something is wrong—it can be like taking preventative care of your relationship, similar to how people go to the gym for their physical health.
Recent research supports the idea that early intervention in couples therapy can prevent more serious issues later. For instance, a study published in 2021 found that couples who sought therapy earlier reported better outcomes and higher satisfaction in their relationships (American Psychological Association, 2021).
Bonus Tip: Using “I” statements to express yourself will prevent your spouse from being defensive.
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Make It an Invitation, Not a Demand
The goal is to invite your partner into the process, not to pressure them. Let them know you’d love to do this together, but that it’s their choice.
For example:
“Would you be open to trying a therapy session with me—just one to start? If it doesn’t feel helpful, we can talk about it. I’d really like to try it together.”
This gives your partner some control over the decision and reduces any feelings of pressure.
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Focus on Hope, Not Frustration
Show your partner that you believe in the relationship and want to keep growing together. Help them imagine how things could improve if you both work on things together through couples therapy.
Try saying:
“I believe in us. We have something special, and I think therapy for couples could help us get even stronger.”
This conveys optimism and commitment—much more motivating than frustration or hopelessness.
Final Thoughts: It’s a Conversation, Not a Battle
Talking to your partner about couples therapy is about starting a conversation, not winning an argument. Even if your partner is unsure at first, bringing up the idea with love and patience can go a long way.
Remember, the goal isn’t to win the conversation. It’s to stay connected while sharing your needs. Sometimes, just showing your willingness to work on the relationship can inspire your partner to take the next step.
At The Mindful Loft Counselling and Psychotherapy, we focus on trust, emotional safety, and choice in every session. If you’re unsure where to begin, we’re here to support you with no pressure.
Bonus Tip: If your partner isn’t ready yet, starting with individual therapy could be a great way to work through your own feelings. Sometimes, when one partner begins their healing journey, it can encourage the other to follow.
This blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or mental health advice.
About the Author
Stephanie Boucher is a Registered Psychotherapist specializing in betrayal trauma and childhood wounds and the owner of The Mindful Loft Betrayal Trauma and Relational Recovery Centre in Ontario. With over a decade of experience in the mental health field, she supports clients in navigating relational wounds and rebuilding their sense of self-worth.
Other Related Articles:
Starting Fresh: How to Build Trust in a New Relationship After Infidelity
Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal: An Opportunity for Healing and Growth
Understanding the Emotional Aftermath of Infidelity: Why It Feels Like PTSD
References
American Psychological Association. (2021). The importance of early intervention in couples therapy. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2021/03/early-intervention-couples
Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. (2023). Outcomes of couples therapy: A 2023 review. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jmft.12675
