Figuring out what counts as cheating in relationships can be tricky. While some actions are universally seen as breaking trust, the definition of cheating really depends on the boundaries set in each relationship. One couple might be okay with certain forms of intimacy outside their partnership, while another might view the same actions as betrayal. What matters most is whether everyone involved is aware of, agrees to, and feels comfortable with those behaviors.
Understanding what constitutes cheating in relationships is essential for building trust and preventing misunderstandings. If you’re unsure about where your boundaries lie or are dealing with confusion about a partner’s actions, it’s crucial to reflect on and communicate openly about your expectations. This article aims to explore the different types of behaviors people might consider cheating, helping you better navigate these sensitive topics and establish clear, healthy boundaries in your own relationship.
Cheating Can Happen in Any Relationship
Cheating is often tied to traditional monogamous relationships, but it can happen in any relationship type, including open or non-monogamous ones. Studies, like those published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, show that breaches of trust happen in consensually non-monogamous relationships, too. The key issue is not just physical acts, but secrecy and deception. Betrayal occurs when someone crosses the boundaries that were agreed upon, and hiding things is often at the core of the betrayal. Sadly, some people take advantage of the flexibility of non-monogamy to justify actions that go against the agreements, causing deep hurt and betrayal.
Since every relationship has its own set of rules, it’s crucial to talk openly about what’s considered cheating. For example, I once worked with a couple where one partner saw texting an ex as innocent, while the other saw it as a serious breach of trust. This misunderstanding could have been avoided with an earlier, clearer conversation about what was okay and what wasn’t. Some people might see watching pornography as cheating, while others don’t. Likewise, emotional connections—like sharing deep personal conversations or forming a close bond with someone outside the relationship—can feel more hurtful than physical acts for some. For others, cheating might only be defined by physical actions like kissing or sex.
In my work, I’ve found that while having a direct conversation about cheating is ideal, many partners often have a pretty good sense of what would upset the other. However, assuming you know what your partner feels without talking about it can lead to confusion and unintentional betrayal.
Why Boundaries Matter in Relationships
Boundaries aren’t just rules for the sake of it—they’re the foundation of trust, emotional safety, and mutual respect in a relationship. Research, such as that by Dr. John Gottman, shows that clear boundaries are key to a stable, long-lasting relationship and can help prevent betrayal. When boundaries are respected, both partners feel safe and valued. On the other hand, secrecy is what often turns an action into a betrayal. If something needs to be hidden, it’s a sign that trust has been broken. If an action stays within the boundaries of the relationship, there should be no reason to hide it.
Emotional vs. Physical Boundaries
People define cheating differently, which is why it’s so important to communicate openly about what each partner expects. Some people may only consider physical acts like kissing or sex as cheating, while for others, emotional intimacy—such as deep talks, relying on someone else emotionally, or flirting—can feel just as hurtful.
Emotional betrayal often happens when a partner forms a deep, secret connection with someone outside the relationship, especially if they start sharing feelings and vulnerabilities that they no longer share with their partner. Studies, like one published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, show that emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical infidelity, causing feelings of rejection, insecurity, and dissatisfaction. While every relationship is different, secrecy is a major factor in what turns these emotional connections into a betrayal.
Public vs. Private Acts: Do They Matter?
Where an act happens—whether in public or private—can influence how it’s seen. If an act is done openly, with no attempt to hide it, it might feel less like a betrayal. But that doesn’t mean it can’t still be disrespectful.
If a partner knows about an interaction and is okay with it, it’s less likely to be seen as a betrayal, but it can still go against the relationship’s boundaries. The most important thing is whether the act matches the couple’s agreed-upon expectations.
The Importance of Setting Boundaries
At the end of the day, what counts as cheating in relationships is unique to each relationship. Open, honest communication is key so that both partners know what the other considers okay and what’s not. Trust is built on understanding, and the absence of secrecy is essential for a strong, secure relationship. Whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, respect, clarity, and understanding are vital to avoid betrayal and keep a healthy connection.
About the Author
Stephanie Boucher is a Registered Psychotherapist specializing in betrayal trauma and childhood wounds and the owner of The Mindful Loft Betrayal Trauma and Relational Recovery Centre in Ontario. With over a decade of experience in the mental health field, she supports clients in navigating relational wounds and rebuilding their sense of self-worth.
Other Related Articles:
Starting Fresh: How to Build Trust in a New Relationship After Infidelity
Why Denying Cheating Hurts More Than the Betrayal Itself
What is Betrayal Trauma? An Explanation for Both the Betrayed and the Betrayer
Understanding the Emotional Aftermath of Infidelity: Why It Feels Like PTSD
References
Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.
Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. (2013). Betrayal and infidelity in consensually non-monogamous relationships: A research review. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 39(4), 354–374. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2013.770277
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. (2012). The impact of emotional affairs on relationship satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(5), 763–786. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512444574
