By Stephanie Boucher, Registered Psychotherapist | The Mindful Loft
The short version: “Just set a boundary” is advice that sounds simple and often fails because most people are taught to think of a boundary as a rule for someone else to follow. It is not. A boundary is a decision about what you will do, not a demand that controls what someone else does. Once that shift happens, boundaries stop being about getting someone to change and start being about what you are actually willing to participate in.
“Just set boundaries” sounds like good advice.
Sometimes it is.
The problem is not boundaries. The problem is the way the advice is usually given: say the line clearly, hope the other person respects it, and then feel like you failed when they do not.
You may have already tried to set a boundary. You may have stated it clearly. You may have explained it carefully. You may have tried to say it in the right tone, at the right time, using the right words.
And still, the other person ignored it.
That does not automatically mean you failed.
It may mean you were taught an incomplete version of what a boundary is.
Here is what most boundary advice gets wrong: it treats the sentence as the boundary.
But the sentence is only communication.
The boundary is what you do next.
The Reframe: A Boundary Is What You Will Do, Not a Rule for Someone Else
You can communicate a boundary clearly, but you cannot make another person respect it simply because you said it well.
That is the part most advice skips.
A rule tries to dictate someone else’s behaviour. A boundary describes what you will participate in, tolerate, or do in response.
That distinction sounds small, but it changes everything.
For example, this sounds like a boundary:
“You cannot yell at me.”
But technically, it is not the full boundary. It is a request or expectation.
The boundary is:
“If yelling starts, I will end the conversation.”
That is different because it lives on your side of the street.
A rule says, “You must change.”
A boundary says, “Here is what I will do if this continues.”
This does not mean communication does not matter. People deserve to know where the line is. But continuously restating a boundary while doing nothing when it is crossed turns it into something closer to a request.
Follow-through matters more than repetition.
And follow-through is only possible when the boundary is about your own actions, because that is the part you actually control.
A Boundary in Practice
A simple example:
“Please do not call me after 9 p.m.”
That is a reasonable request. You can communicate it clearly. You can explain that you need rest, quiet, or time away from your phone.
But the other person may still call after 9 p.m.
If you pick up every time, the sentence did not protect your evening.
Your choice not to answer is what protects your evening.
That does not mean you are punishing them. It means you are aligning your behaviour with the limit you named.
Emotional boundaries work the same way, just with more moving parts.
Someone might raise their voice with you and not fully intend to. They might be dysregulated. They might need time to adjust to a boundary that is new for them. They might not like the change.
Whatever the reason, you still need to know what you will actually do if it happens before it happens.
Think in “if X happens, I will Y” terms.
“If yelling starts, I will end the conversation.”
“If you arrive unannounced, I will not be available.”
“If this turns into name-calling, I will leave and we can try again another time.”
“If you keep asking after I have said no, I will stop explaining and change the subject.”
The boundary lives in the “I will.”
That is the part within your control.
What Gets Mistaken for a Boundary
This gets confusing because many of us were never taught the difference between a boundary, a request, a threat, a preference, and a consequence.
So we may call something a boundary when it is actually an attempt to control an outcome.
Or we may set a real boundary and have it reframed back at us as unreasonable.
Here are a few common mix-ups.
A command is not a boundary.
“You are not allowed to talk to your ex” tries to control someone else’s behaviour. A boundary would name what you are willing to participate in if your needs around trust, communication, or safety are not compatible.
A threat is not a boundary.
“If you go out with them, you’ll regret it” is intimidation. Boundaries are not about making someone afraid of you. They are about making your own limits clear and taking care of your side of the situation.
Punishment is not a boundary.
“You upset me, so I am ignoring you for a week” is meant to make someone suffer. Taking space is different. Taking space has a purpose, a limit, and some communication.
For example:
“I am too upset to continue this conversation right now. I need a few hours before we try again.”
The silent treatment is not the same as taking space.
Taking space protects your ability to regulate. The silent treatment is usually meant to provoke anxiety, create punishment, or regain power without speaking directly.
A preference is not always a boundary.
“My boundary is that you text me back within ten minutes” is usually a request or preference. The boundary is what you decide to do if your communication needs are not compatible with the other person’s capacity or willingness.
Testing someone is not a boundary.
“If they really respected me, they would just know” skips the part where boundaries need to be communicated. Other people cannot reliably honour limits they do not know exist.
Expecting a guaranteed outcome is not a boundary.
“I set a boundary, so you have to change” misunderstands what a boundary can do. The other person can still refuse. Your control is in deciding what happens next on your end.
You do not need to memorize every category.
A simpler test is this:
A boundary describes the conditions under which you will participate and the action you will take to protect yourself.
Control tries to make another person behave a particular way.
“You cannot yell at me” focuses on controlling them.
“If yelling starts, I will end the conversation” is yours.
Why This Is Harder With a Parent
Boundaries can be hard in any relationship.
They are often harder with a parent, especially an emotionally immature parent.
There is more history. More guilt. More expectation. More fear of being misunderstood. More pressure to keep doing what you have always done because that is the role everyone recognizes.
You may know, intellectually, that you are allowed to have limits.
But when your parent is disappointed, angry, hurt, cold, dramatic, or dismissive, your body may react as if you have done something wrong.
That is why “just set boundaries” can feel insulting. It makes the task sound simple when the emotional cost may be very real.
For adult children of emotionally immature parents, boundaries can feel like betrayal.
You may think:
“They are my parent. I should be more patient.”
“What if they think I am cruel?”
“What if this makes things worse?”
“What if I regret it later?”
“What if I am being selfish?”
Those fears do not mean the boundary is wrong.
They may mean you are doing something unfamiliar.
Real boundaries do not guarantee that a relationship can be saved. But they often give the relationship a more honest chance than resentment, over-accommodation, or sudden cutoff.
Without boundaries, the alternative is not usually a peaceful relationship that stays the same.
Often, it becomes a relationship where resentment quietly builds until someone cuts contact entirely, or stays in contact while quietly suffering through it.
If you are working through this specifically with a parent, my piece on how to set boundaries with an emotionally immature parent goes deeper into what that can look like in practice.
You may also find Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents: A Checklist helpful if you are still trying to understand the pattern.
Expect Discomfort, Not a Guarantee
If you tend to please people, expect some guilt the first few times you follow through on a boundary.
Feeling guilty afterward does not automatically mean you did something wrong.
It may simply mean you did something unfamiliar.
This is where many people get stuck. They set a boundary, feel guilty, and assume the guilt means they were too harsh, selfish, or unkind.
But guilt is not always proof that you made the wrong choice.
Sometimes guilt is the emotional residue of an old role.
If you were taught to keep the peace, manage someone else’s feelings, stay available, or avoid disappointing people, then having a limit may feel wrong before it feels healthy.
That does not mean you need to ignore your guilt. It means you can listen to it without obeying it automatically.
You can ask:
“Is this guilt telling me I violated my values?”
Or:
“Is this guilt showing up because I did not play my usual role?”
Those are different questions.
Start Smaller Than You Think You Should
If boundaries are new, start small.
Do not begin with the most emotionally loaded relationship if you can avoid it.
Practice with lower-stakes boundaries first:
“I cannot take that on this week.”
“I need to leave by 8.”
“I am not available tonight.”
“I will think about it and get back to you.”
“I do not want to discuss that right now.”
“I am going to keep that private.”
“I need a few minutes before I answer.”
Small boundaries matter because they teach your nervous system that having limits does not automatically destroy connection.
They also help you learn what follow-through feels like.
The goal is not to become rigid.
The goal is to become honest.
Notice Resentment as Information
Resentment is often treated like something shameful.
But resentment can also be information.
If you feel chronically imposed upon, drained, bitter, or invisible, it may be a sign that you have agreed to more than you actually have capacity for.
Maybe you said yes too quickly.
Maybe you gave more information than you wanted to.
Maybe you stayed in a conversation after your body was already done.
Maybe you kept explaining long after the other person had stopped listening.
Maybe you kept hoping the other person would notice your limit so you would not have to name it.
Resentment does not always mean the other person is doing something wrong.
Sometimes it means you need to get clearer about what you are available for.
That can be uncomfortable.
But it is also useful.
When Boundaries Are Not Enough
Boundaries are important, but they are not magic.
If a relationship is emotionally, physically, sexually, or financially unsafe, boundaries may not be enough on their own. In those situations, support, safety planning, and outside help may matter more than finding the perfect wording.
This is especially important if the other person punishes you for having limits, threatens you, monitors you, controls your access to money, isolates you, or makes you afraid of what will happen if you say no.
In safer relationships, boundaries can clarify what you will participate in.
In unsafe relationships, boundaries may increase risk.
That does not mean you are powerless. It means you deserve support that takes safety seriously.
What to Do Instead of “Just Set Boundaries”
Instead of asking, “How do I make them respect my boundary?” try asking:
“What is the limit?”
“What am I asking for?”
“What will I do if this continues?”
“What follow-through is realistic for me?”
“What support do I need before I try this?”
“What guilt or fear do I expect afterward?”
“What would help me stay steady?”
A boundary does not have to be dramatic to be real.
It can be simple.
“I am not discussing this while we are yelling.”
“I am going to leave if the conversation turns insulting.”
“I am not available for last-minute plans this weekend.”
“I will not answer calls after 9 p.m.”
“I am not sharing that information.”
“I will not keep explaining after I have already answered.”
The power of a boundary is not in how perfectly you say it.
The power is in whether you are willing and able to live by it.
When You Are Ready
If you are trying to figure out what a real boundary looks like in your own relationship, especially with a parent, you do not have to sort through that alone.
At The Mindful Loft, our work focuses on betrayal trauma, infidelity, childhood relational wounds, emotionally immature family dynamics, and relational recovery. We support people who are trying to understand what happened, what keeps repeating, and what healing needs to look like from here.
We offer a free consultation. No pressure. Just a conversation about where you are and whether one of our therapists is right for what you need.
Sessions are covered by most extended health benefit plans. Fees are discussed in your free consult.
Not ready to book? I write about this territory monthly in our newsletter, The Messy Loft. Subscribe for free for thoughtful reflections on relationships, repair, and understanding yourself more clearly. We really are in this mess together.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why is “just set boundaries” bad advice?
“Just set boundaries” is often incomplete advice. It makes boundaries sound like a sentence you say clearly enough for the other person to respect. In reality, a boundary also includes what you will do if the limit is crossed. Without follow-through, the boundary can become a repeated request.
What is the difference between a boundary and a rule?
A rule tries to control another person’s behaviour. A boundary describes what you will do, tolerate, or participate in. “You cannot yell at me” is focused on their behaviour. “If yelling starts, I will end the conversation” is focused on your response.
What is an example of a healthy boundary?
A healthy boundary might sound like, “I am not available for calls after 9 p.m. If you call after that, I will respond the next day.” It communicates the limit and names what you will do without trying to force the other person to behave a certain way.
Why do boundaries feel so guilty with parents?
Boundaries can feel guilty with parents because the relationship often carries history, roles, expectations, and old survival patterns. If you learned to keep the peace, manage a parent’s feelings, or avoid disappointing them, then having a limit may feel wrong even when it is healthy.
Are boundaries supposed to make people upset?
Not necessarily, but boundaries can create discomfort. Someone may feel disappointed, surprised, or frustrated when you stop doing what they are used to. That does not automatically mean the boundary is wrong. The goal is not to avoid all discomfort. The goal is a more honest and sustainable relationship.
Is the silent treatment a boundary?
Usually, no. Taking space can be healthy when it is communicated clearly, such as “I need a few hours before we continue.” The silent treatment is different when it is used to punish, provoke anxiety, or regain control without direct communication.
What if someone keeps ignoring my boundary?
If someone keeps ignoring your boundary, repeating the same sentence may not help. You may need to look at your follow-through: what you will do, what access you will limit, what conversation you will leave, or what support you need. If the relationship is unsafe, outside help and safety planning may matter more than wording.
Do boundaries mean cutting someone off?
Not always. Boundaries are not automatically about cutting contact. Sometimes they make continued contact more possible because they reduce resentment and over-accommodation. In some situations, less contact or no contact may become necessary, but that is not what every boundary requires.
Further Reading
Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace. A practical book on boundary-setting, communication, and reclaiming your capacity.
Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. A helpful resource for understanding emotionally immature family dynamics and why boundaries can feel so difficult with parents.
Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger. A classic book on anger, patterns in close relationships, and changing your own part in the dance.
Educational Disclaimer
This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care.
Crisis Line
If you are in immediate crisis or thinking of harming yourself, please reach out to a crisis line in your area. In Canada, you can call or text 9-8-8.
Author Bio
Stephanie Boucher is a Registered Psychotherapist and the founder of The Mindful Loft, a psychotherapy practice focused on betrayal trauma, infidelity, childhood relational wounds, and relational recovery. She supports individuals and couples who are trying to understand what happened, rebuild safety, and decide what healing needs to look like from here.
