By Stephanie Boucher, Registered Psychotherapist | The Mindful Loft
The short version: There is no rule that every child should be told about a parent’s affair, and there is no rule that children should be kept completely in the dark. What matters is their age, what they already know or suspect, what is changing in their life, and what they actually need to understand. In most cases, children need an honest, age-appropriate explanation of what is happening in the family. They do not need the adult details of the affair.
Most parents who ask me whether they should tell their children about an affair are not eager to have that conversation.
Usually, they are trying to figure out whether they can avoid it.
They may have found out about the betrayal only days ago. They may not know whether they are staying married. They may still be trying to understand what actually happened themselves. The idea of telling their children can feel like taking something painful that is already real and making it even more real.
I understand the instinct to wait.
I also would not make this decision from a blanket rule like “children should always know the truth” or “children should never be involved in adult problems.”
I would want to know the child’s age, what they have already noticed, whether anything in their day-to-day life is changing, what they are asking, and what the parent is hoping the conversation will accomplish.
A six-year-old asking why Dad is suddenly sleeping downstairs needs something very different from a sixteen-year-old who has already seen messages and knows there was someone else.
That is where I would start.
This article offers general information based on research and clinical experience. It is not individualized guidance for your family. Safety concerns, custody or family-law issues, the age and needs of your children, and the state of the relationship can all change what is appropriate.
What the Research Actually Tells Us
The research here has limits.
There is not a large body of research following young children through parental infidelity in real time and telling us exactly what parents should disclose. Much of the research specific to infidelity comes from adults looking back on what happened in their families.
There is, however, a much larger body of research on children being caught in conflict between their parents.
A 2025 meta-analysis reviewed 49 studies involving more than 23,000 participants and found a moderate association between conflict between parents and children feeling caught in the middle. You can read the study in Human Communication Research.
A second meta-analysis, published online later that year, looked at 26 studies involving more than 8,000 participants. Feeling caught between parents was associated with poorer parent-child relationship quality, and that association did not depend on whether the parents had divorced. You can read that study here.
Neither study tells a parent, “Tell your child about the affair.”
What they do tell us is that children being pulled into the conflict between their parents is something worth taking seriously.
Privacy Can Be Appropriate
Parents are allowed to have privacy.
Children do not need every detail of their parents’ marriage, and waiting before saying anything can sometimes be the sensible choice. If you found out about an affair yesterday, are still trying to determine whether what you know is even complete, and nothing in your child’s world has visibly changed, there may be no reason to make a disclosure immediately.
I tend to get more concerned when there is an obvious mismatch between what the child is experiencing and what they are being told.
Maybe one parent has moved into the guest room. There are arguments behind closed doors. Someone keeps crying. A parent is staying elsewhere several nights a week. Dinner suddenly feels tense and nobody explains why.
Children notice shifts like that even when they do not understand them.
In those situations, repeatedly saying “nothing is wrong” may leave the child to invent an explanation on their own.
The explanation still does not have to be the affair story.
It might simply be:
“You may have noticed things have been tense between us. We are dealing with a serious problem in our relationship. It is an adult problem, and it is not because of anything you did. We both love you and will keep taking care of you.”
That may be enough.
I Usually Ask What the Child Actually Needs to Know
I find it useful to separate information the child needs for their life from information that belongs inside the adult relationship.
A child may reasonably need to know whether someone is moving out, whether they will still see both parents, whether their school or routine is changing, and whether the conflict is somehow their fault.
They usually do not need to know who sent which messages, what happened sexually, how many times it happened, what one parent thinks the other person’s motives were, or which old marital grievances led up to the betrayal.
The more adult detail a child is given, the easier it becomes for them to get pulled into the marriage rather than simply understand what is happening to their family.
A 2021 study of 215 adult children whose parents had experienced infidelity found that feeling caught between their parents was associated with poorer well-being through increased rumination. That pattern was present whether the parents stayed together or divorced. Read the study in Family Relations.
I would not use that study to claim one disclosure style is universally correct. I do think it reinforces something clinically important: staying married does not automatically protect a child if they are being drawn into the conflict.
Sometimes the Urge to Tell Is About the Parent’s Pain Too
This is the part people do not always say out loud.
Sometimes the betrayed parent wants the children to know because the children are already asking questions or because a separation is happening.
Sometimes there is another reason mixed in.
They want the children to understand who caused this.
They may be furious that the other parent is still being seen as wonderful when they know what happened behind the scenes. They may worry that if the marriage ends, they will somehow become the parent who “broke up the family.” They may be carrying the betrayal, the practical fallout, and the expectation that they should protect the person who caused it from consequences.
That can create a very strong urge to tell.
I would take that impulse seriously without automatically acting on it.
Sometimes a child genuinely needs more information. Sometimes the betrayed parent desperately needs another person to understand what was done to them. Both needs are real, but they belong in different relationships.
The second one is better carried by another adult.
Your State Matters When You Have the Conversation
Parents often focus heavily on getting the wording right.
The words matter. So does the state you are in when you say them.
If you are still in the first hours after discovery, have not slept, are shaking with anger, or are desperate for your child to understand why you are hurt, it may be worth getting some support before having a conversation you cannot take back.
You do not need to be perfectly calm.
You do need enough capacity to remain the parent in the room.
A small qualitative study of six adults who had experienced parental infidelity identified adultification as one of the themes in their accounts, including becoming an emotional carer for a parent. Honesty and openness also appeared in participants’ descriptions of healing. Because this was a very small study, I would not generalize it to every family, but the themes are useful. Read the study in the Journal of Family Studies.
One thing I would watch for is whether the child starts taking care of the parent.
Are they repeatedly asking whether you are okay? Are they trying to cheer you up? Do they seem afraid to leave you alone? Are they holding back their own reaction because yours feels bigger?
Children can know that a parent is sad. They should not have to become responsible for getting that parent through the betrayal.
What I Would Tell a Younger Child
With younger children, I would keep the explanation close to what affects their daily life.
They need concrete information.
Who is picking me up?
Where will Dad be sleeping?
Am I still going to school tomorrow?
Are Mom and Dad getting divorced?
Did I cause this?
Am I safe?
A young child usually does not need the concept of infidelity in order to understand that their parents are having serious relationship problems.
If the adults are struggling but nothing has been decided yet, something like this may be enough:
“We are having a hard time with an adult problem right now. You might notice that things feel different. You did not cause it, and you do not need to fix it. We both love you and will keep taking care of you.”
If a separation is actually happening, be more concrete about the parts that affect the child.
“We have decided that we are going to live in different homes. This is because of problems between us as adults. It is not because of anything you did.”
You do not have to turn the conversation into a full account of the marriage to be honest.
Teenagers Are Different
Teenagers may know far more than their parents realize.
They may have overheard arguments, seen a notification, noticed unexplained absences, checked social media, or simply put together enough pieces to understand what happened.
They may also ask directly.
“Did somebody cheat?”
“Is there another person?”
“Is that why you’re separating?”
If a teenager already knows what happened, denying an obvious reality can create another trust problem.
That does not mean they need everything.
You might say:
“There was a serious breach of trust in our relationship. It is something we are dealing with as adults. I know you may have questions, and I will answer what I can without putting you in the middle.”
The exact language should depend on the teenager in front of you.
I previously co-wrote When to Tell Children About Infidelity in Marriage: Navigating Difficult Conversations with family lawyer Leanne Townsend. That article includes more age-specific examples if you are looking for wording.
What If You and Your Partner Disagree About Telling Them?
This can become its own conflict.
One parent may want to say almost nothing. The other may feel strongly that the children deserve an explanation. Sometimes each person believes they are protecting the children.
Ideally, parents agree on a basic, child-focused message and, where appropriate, have the conversation together.
That is not always realistic.
If you cannot agree, I would still try to avoid turning the disclosure itself into another front in the marital conflict. Speak about what is happening without asking the child to decide which parent is right. Avoid telling them things primarily to damage their relationship with the other parent.
If there is significant conflict, coercion, violence, intimidation, an active custody dispute, or other family-law involvement, get individualized professional advice before deciding what to say. A general article cannot account for those situations safely.
Adult Children Need a Different Conversation
When the children are adults, the question changes.
They can understand far more complexity, and if the parents separate, they may reasonably want to understand why their family is changing.
I would not frame it as whether an adult child has a “right to know.”
I would ask what information belongs in your relationship with that adult child, and what you are expecting them to do with it afterward.
You may tell an adult child that there was an affair because that is the honest explanation for why the marriage is ending.
That is different from sending screenshots, describing sexual details, asking them to analyze their other parent, or relying on them to help you decide whether to stay.
Adult children are adults.
They are also still your children.
They may have their own anger, grief, questions, or opinions about what happened. They may even react in ways you do not expect or agree with. Give them room to have their response without asking them to carry yours.
For your own support, peers, siblings, friends, and therapy are usually better places to put the adult weight of betrayal.
At The Mindful Loft, we work with individuals and couples navigating infidelity, betrayal trauma, and relational recovery.
What If I Have Already Waited Too Long?
Parents sometimes worry that because they have not told the children yet, they have already handled it badly.
I would be careful with that conclusion.
There may have been good reasons to wait. You may have needed information yourself. You may have wanted to avoid saying something in anger. You may have thought the relationship could stabilize without the children’s lives changing.
The more useful question is what your child needs now.
If nothing in their daily life has changed and they have no idea anything happened, disclosure may still not be necessary.
If they have clearly noticed something, are asking questions, or are about to experience a separation, they may need more information.
I would look at the actual child in front of me rather than trying to follow a universal rule.
So, Should You Tell the Kids About the Affair?
Sometimes yes.
Sometimes no.
Often, the better question is not whether to tell them about the affair itself.
It is what they need to understand about their family.
A young child whose routine is changing may need reassurance and concrete information without knowing anything about infidelity. A teenager who has already discovered the affair may need a more direct acknowledgement. An adult child may need enough truth to understand a separation while still not being invited into the intimate details of the marriage.
Across those situations, I would keep coming back to a few things: do not make the child choose sides, do not make them responsible for a parent’s emotional recovery, and do not give adult details simply because the adults are in pain.
Tell them enough truth for their world to make sense.
The rest can stay with the adults.
If you are also trying to decide whether the relationship itself can recover, read Can a Marriage Survive Infidelity? A Therapist’s Honest Answer.
If you are still trying to understand your own reaction after discovery, What Is Betrayal Trauma? may be a better place to start.
When You Are Ready
If you are trying to decide what to tell your children while also dealing with betrayal yourself, you do not have to make that decision while you are at your most overwhelmed. Support can help you sort out what your child needs to know, what belongs in the adult relationship, and what you need somewhere else to say.
Not ready to book? I write about this territory monthly in our newsletter, The Messy Loft. Subscribe for free for thoughtful reflections on relationships, repair, and understanding yourself more clearly. We really are in this mess together.
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We offer a free consultation. No pressure. Just a conversation about where you are and whether one of our therapists is right for what you need.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I tell my child that my partner had an affair?
There is no answer that fits every family. Consider your child’s age, what they already know or suspect, whether anything in their life is changing, and what information they need to understand those changes. You can usually be honest about family problems without giving children adult details of the affair.
Is keeping an affair secret from children harmful?
Not necessarily. Children do not need to know everything that happens in their parents’ marriage. The concern is greater when they are clearly experiencing major changes or tension but are repeatedly told that nothing is happening. In that situation, an age-appropriate explanation may help their experience make more sense.
Should my children know which parent cheated?
That depends partly on their age and what they already know. I would not disclose simply to establish who is to blame. If an older child or teenager already knows there was infidelity or asks directly, honesty may be more appropriate than denying an obvious reality. You can still answer without asking them to take sides.
What should I tell a young child about infidelity?
Usually very little about the infidelity itself. Focus on what affects their life: where people are living, what is changing, what is staying the same, and that none of this is their fault. Young children generally do not need sexual or detailed relationship information.
What should I tell a teenager about an affair?
Teenagers can usually understand more, and some will already have figured out what happened. You can acknowledge that there was a serious breach of trust while maintaining boundaries around intimate details. Avoid making the teenager a confidant or asking them to judge the other parent.
Should we tell the children together?
When it is safe and practical, a shared message can help reduce competing versions of the story. It is not appropriate in every family, particularly where there is significant conflict, coercion, intimidation, or safety concerns.
What if my partner refuses to tell the children anything?
Look at what the children are actually experiencing. If their lives are changing or they are asking direct questions, complete silence may become difficult to maintain. This is a situation where individualized therapy or family-law guidance can be particularly useful.
Should I tell my adult children about my spouse’s affair?
Adult children can understand more, but they still do not automatically need every detail. Consider why you want to tell them and what role you are asking them to play afterward. Giving them an honest explanation is different from asking them to become your primary emotional support.
Further Reading
Paul Schrodt’s Interparental Conflict and Parent-Child Triangulation: A Meta-Analytical Review of Children Feeling Caught Between Parents reviewed 49 studies involving more than 23,000 participants.
Schrodt’s second meta-analysis, A Meta-Analysis of Children Feeling Caught Between Parents and Parent-Child Relationship Quality, examined the relationship between feeling caught and parent-child relationship quality.
Allison Thorson’s Rumination’s Mediating Effect on Feeling Caught and Well-Being After Parental Infidelity studied 215 adult children whose parents had experienced infidelity.
Lamia Salih and Sarah Chaudry’s qualitative study, Exploring the Lived Experience of Parental Infidelity, explored six adults’ retrospective experiences of parental infidelity.
For more practical, age-specific wording, read the article I co-wrote with family lawyer Leanne Townsend, When to Tell Children About Infidelity in Marriage: Navigating Difficult Conversations.
Educational Disclaimer
This article is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for individualized mental health care.
Crisis Line
If you are in immediate crisis or thinking of harming yourself, please reach out to a crisis line in your area. In Canada, you can call or text 9-8-8.
Author Bio
Stephanie Boucher is a Registered Psychotherapist and the founder of The Mindful Loft, a psychotherapy practice focused on betrayal trauma, infidelity, childhood relational wounds, and relational recovery. She supports individuals and couples who are trying to understand what happened, rebuild safety, and decide what healing needs to look like from here.
